Raised By Her Podcast
Raised By Her is a mother–daughter podcast exploring the lessons, love, and lived experiences passed down through generations. Hosts Ro Nita and Donnica share honest, intergenerational conversations about womanhood, identity, family, and leadership - and the wisdom we inherit (and sometimes challenge).
Part humor and all heart, Raised By Her is a reminder that every generation has something to teach—and that the stories that raise us continue to shape who we become.
Raised By Her Podcast
Dating, Love Languages & Generational Divides | Raised by Her Podcast
A surprise call from mom's college boyfriend sparks a deep, personal, and hilarious mother-daughter conversation about love, dating, and marriage.
This week on "Raised by Her," we're sharing it all—from high school dating to 10-year wedding anniversaries. We explore the massive generational differences in parenting, like mom's strict "no dating until 16" rule, and her honest opinion on her daughter's high school friends (and rap music posters).
Join us for a candid chat as we discuss:
- The generational divide on dating, parenting, and giving a 16-year-old a car.
- Mom's traumatic childhood story from church and how it shaped her perceptions.
- The real story of a drunken college breakup call to mom (and learning about trust issues).
- Can you (and should you) stay friends with an ex?
- Why communication is non-negotiable in marriage.
- Discovering The 5 Love Languages (and which one is ours!)
If you're looking for an honest, funny, and warm conversation about navigating relationships, heartbreak, and what makes love last, this episode is for you.
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🎤 New episodes every week. Honest conversations between mother and daughter on family, womanhood, and navigating life across generations.
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Welcome back to Raise by Her. How are you doing?
SPEAKER_00:I'm doing really well. How are you doing? I'm good. You're good. You've had a good week? I've had a good week. I've had a busy week. It's um political season. That we do now. So I've been to a couple of fundraisers this week. How did those go? They were good. It was easy to be able to come into a room where folks are excited about uh the candidates. That's true. That's important. It is helpful when folks are excited and hopeful. I I believe public service is so very important. Yeah. And so we have some good folks running for uh for office uh in this area. And so yeah, and it was good to see folks. Yeah. To be enthusiastic. Excellent. Yeah. What about you? What have you been doing this week?
SPEAKER_02:I've also been doing political things. Oh. Um and I share your sentiments in terms of the fundraisers and the different events. It's uh a busier time, but also um an exciting time and an important time. So um, you know, up until November, we're gonna be rocking and rolling. That's right.
SPEAKER_00:That's right. Lots of commercials and lots of individuals who are expressing their opinions. And uh yeah, it's great to be an American.
SPEAKER_02:All right, on that note. That's funny. Um anything else that's been going on this week, or that's about it?
SPEAKER_00:Um, well, I think this week has been for me a catch-up week because I've had a lot of work um to do on a couple of my projects and a couple of my community service projects, one of which you're involved in um that we are doing together in one of our organizations that we're in together. We're supporting HBCUs. Yes, absolutely correct.
SPEAKER_03:And their students.
SPEAKER_00:And the students. And it's exciting for me to see the quality students being able to have great experiences and individuals wanting to invest in the future of uh of our students. Um and some really good students who are, I think, engaged in campus life in addition to learning. So yeah, it's been a busy.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I don't spend a lot of time on college campuses anymore. Um, but I agree with you. The applications we received for the different projects and programming that we're offering, um cool things are happening on student campuses. Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. Okay.
SPEAKER_02:So that's good.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Also, I have um I've been contacted by a friend of mine that um is a television producer. And um he has been had an opportunity to see our podcast. And um this was my boyfriend from college. Oh. And um it was an interesting conversation. Your boyfriend from college.
SPEAKER_03:How did he have your number?
SPEAKER_00:Um, well, he has my number because over the years when I was in broadcasting and he also was in broadcasting, he was in broadcast news. And so periodically we would either see each other at different times or run into each other, but um he found this to be a whole different kind of uh experience based on the fact that we're doing a podcast.
SPEAKER_02:It is a different experience from back in college back then.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, yes. But uh what it made me think about in in having the conversation um was the fact that in our lifetime we have a great opportunity to meet a lot of different people who have, I think, influences um that are good and or challenging throughout life. Like college boyfriends, like college boyfriends, and you know, and and then it made me think about our experiences just as women in terms of men and how we really make our decisions in terms of who to marry or who not to marry and dating and relationships. So I'm gonna go back to when you started dating, um, some of the things that I used to talk to you about. So I I I really have spent some reflection time.
SPEAKER_02:I see.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:Now I'm gonna hear all about the okay, tell me about myself back then.
SPEAKER_00:Well well, back then when you were in high school, um it was important for me to be able to share with you uh value systems and uh to be able to talk about some of my experiences, but also to really think about um how you raise a daughter to be able to be comfortable with herself, comfortable with uh her gifts, um, and then how she sort of moves through life and until you were in those dating stages of your life. I really didn't think a whole lot about that.
SPEAKER_02:That was my next question. Like, how long had you been thinking about this?
SPEAKER_00:I had not been thinking about it a lot. Um, but as you were growing up, uh your dad and I would would talk about it now. Did you bring it up or did he bring it up? Probably he brought it up. Probably know knowing your father, especially when you were um developing, when your body was developing, when you were moving into being a young woman. Um, there were some times that that we would have some conversations uh just about how we're going to have to navigate this world and expectations.
SPEAKER_02:Um that that puts a lot, I feel like, on a mother because the guy would go to you. He's probably expecting you. My dad probably expected you to have the answers because you've gone through it. You know, it's probably like, oh, how can I support you? Maybe. Or was he just asking questions, or did he have his own opinions about how things should go based on his own experience with his sisters?
SPEAKER_00:Yes, he um he has two sisters, all of the above. Uh okay, okay, spicy conversations. All of the above. And I I I think um the reason why I was just sort of reflecting on my college experiences and reflecting on um my boyfriend and just reflecting on you and how important it is today and how important it was way back then to have an idea of just what you want at the time you make the decision to to get married and what you do so our parents kind of jump ahead because we're not just thinking about it. Because you've had a life experience. Right, yeah. We're not just thinking about our kids um and their dating experience. We begin to think about the the qualities and the qualifications, if you will, in in terms of that. So even back in high school. Well, yes, because you know that um your choices in high school, um, also the opinions of parents and aunts and uncles, and a lot of people have opinions and and you really want to like the people.
SPEAKER_02:I can see that you yes, you want to like the folks who your children probably are around, period. Uh boyfriends, girlfriends, and also just friends. Yes. You just ideally will like the circles that they've chosen.
SPEAKER_00:You you would want to do that. That happens sometimes, but it doesn't always happen.
SPEAKER_02:Uh probably doesn't happen a lot of times.
SPEAKER_00:Did you always like my circle of friends? Um, I liked your circle of friends from school. Um always liked your circle of friends. I'm not sure I could say always, but I think most of the time. Most of them? I think that you had um you had a a pretty good eye for what you wanted.
SPEAKER_03:Um my judge E came early.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. I will tell you that um there was one experience when um we had our radio station scenario, and it was um one of those phases that I think young people go through, men and women at different times. And this is when rap music was coming out, and we had a lot of the rap artists uh coming through our radio station at that particular time. Uh and you were all excited, and you had posters and they were signed.
SPEAKER_02:I had the cash money records poster. I remember that one.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, yes. Um, and um your dad wasn't real happy about that.
SPEAKER_02:No, I uh that part I remember as well. He was not thrilled.
SPEAKER_00:And so all of that is a part of it because then you start thinking, well, I wonder if she's really attracted to that lifestyle versus something else. Yes, yeah. Huh. But it was a face, but it was good. I mean it was it was it was um it was good. But um I I really think that uh my reflections had to do a lot with what really gave me an idea of uh what kind of man I wanted to marry and what was my real uh upbringing in terms of my mother and um what she would say about the dating ages and stages and and all of that. So I was just trying to spend some time reflecting.
SPEAKER_02:What would she say about I mean now you've told me about myself in my teenage years. What would my grandmother say about you?
SPEAKER_00:Um she would say that I was uh extremely busy and that I had a lot of um different ideas about uh dating because my mother was, and I've said this before, very strict. Right. And so um so the rules and regulations w within the household um were were pretty strict. But um I can I can honestly say that when I really became interested, I couldn't date until I was 16. Today the average age is between 12 and 14. Seriously? Yeah, it is. Oh wow. Yeah, yes, throughout the United States, that's uh that's the seventh and eighth grade are are when um when folks start dating uh now. So how can you date if you can't drive? Because you you have groups, people are. Oh, so it's group dating and age dating, and then they uh yeah, they they meet back, they go out to places, they go to malls, they go to the movies, uh, they have parties, and um and the ages it's just moved down. Well, back in my day, you know, 16, so 15, 16 was the time frame that uh that I had. My very first date, and I remember this, was um going to a charity ball, and the guy who was the neighbor across the street was uh was allowed to take me to that that charity ball.
SPEAKER_02:You have some you have an excellent memory. Well because that was a while ago.
SPEAKER_00:First date. I mean, come on.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, but first date from like you've had a lot of first dates, right?
unknown:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:I mean you know what I mean? Like the first date. I like the the L I mean this is the very very first date that I went on. And and because he was um from the neighborhood, so you know, we kind of grew up together. He had two sisters that I was really close to, and so um so we knew his parents and and all of that.
SPEAKER_02:But yeah, how'd the sisters feel about you dating their brother?
SPEAKER_00:Um I wasn't dating their brother, I just went on a date with their brother. The nuance matters. It did well, it did because what they said was we knew he liked you. I mean, okay, yeah, yeah. Yes, and I I said I didn't know that. And but he asked me when he asked me out, and I already thought, okay, mom and dad are not gonna say hi to the uh yes to this. But they did uh because it was an event that um I was engaged in in terms of the uh the organization, uh teenage organization.
SPEAKER_02:So another question for you, d because you talked about how you grew up in a really strict household. Yes. Do you think that you raised me in a strict household?
SPEAKER_00:Uh no, because I was married to your father. Did he want me to do whatever I wanted? No, but he wanted you to say that was not my experience. Well, I know, but trust me, it was it was different. He wanted you to be able to navigate your environment similar to some of the kids you were uh friends with and going to school with. And so, I mean, uh that was different.
SPEAKER_02:Um because you you you were like, I don't care what they're doing. This is what I'm gonna do in my household.
SPEAKER_00:That's exactly right.
SPEAKER_02:Gotcha.
SPEAKER_00:So think about your first car.
SPEAKER_02:Um uh the silver one?
SPEAKER_00:Yes, about how the that you wanted that car, and you wanted a car when you were 16. And I said, She doesn't need a car. We're driving her every place. We have cars.
SPEAKER_02:I have to side with my father on this one. I did need a car.
SPEAKER_00:Well, yes, and you and he went car shopping, and so I'm just saying that there were different times when um he said something like you deserve to have a car. So what 16-year-old, what's a 16-year-old? I did deserve. I did deserve. But what 16-year-old deserves to have a car? And I remember I told him I had to buy my first car. So, you know, you could as long as there was a car in the household that you could drive. Look at this changing times. Well, it was. It was changing back then, and now I know people who probably buy cars for their kids when they're 12.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Do you remember the show um uh My Sweet 16?
unknown:No.
SPEAKER_02:On MTV?
SPEAKER_00:No, I don't.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. So the premise of the show, and it it was on, I think when I was a teenager, because I remember watching it when I was younger. Um but it was people who were famous or people who were really wealthy in the sweet 16 parties that they would throw their daughters. Okay. And so, yes, it was the cars, it was the extravagance, it was these hundreds of thousands of dollars going into um this particular event or celebration. Um, so that's how I choose to remember what's possible for young women in their celebration. A very realistic show for everybody. Oh, right, right. On MTV.
SPEAKER_00:On MTV, yeah. But I think you really have to have some sense of values that you are trying to make sure that uh your son or your daughter has in in in terms of their selection of friends. I also think we didn't have to deal with social media, so it's very different today for young people because their connections are coming in all different ways. And you don't have telephones that you just um leave a message on a can walk around with. You had you were stuck to your landline. Uh yes, absolutely. And and answering machines periodically. So um I remember answering machines. Remember those things called answering machines? Yeah, I do. Well, we didn't even have answering machines when when I was growing up. So uh, and if I was expecting a call from someone, I didn't want mom or dad to be on the phone because he said he was gonna call me, and you know, but that's okay. They they were on the phone. He'll call back. Exactly. That's that's absolutely correct. That's funny. So um, so um, and I also was thinking about how we become, I think, comfortable around boys. How do we become comfortable around men? I think it's the relationships that you have um with your father or with your uncles or whoever the male role models are within your household. And um it does make sense. And I I think it was very important to be able to really focus in on how you developed your comfort level being around the opposite sex. And can you remember um back when you were younger, how you became comfortable being around the opposite sex?
SPEAKER_02:Of course not. You know, I just remember it being being around people. Um, but I do remember um that my expectation of how I wanted to be treated in my relationships came from my father. The fact that I was unconditionally unconditionally loved and he supported me and and and all the things that you would want in a father. He provided that. So when I went off into um the world and started experiencing experiencing other relationships, that was my expectation. I was like, you know, you have to treat me with this standard of care because this is the standard of care um from which I'm I'm used to. And that I think um has been invaluable, particularly when I when I look at some of um my friends and some of their experiences with men and their level of expectation about how they want to be treated. And you know, as you know, so many so many things just go back to our childhood. And so if we don't, yeah, many things. And so if we don't deal with whatever it is back in our childhood, then it just it follows us.
SPEAKER_00:Well, speaking of that, because when I think about my my childhood, I was also wondering was there a time when I was really afraid of uh a man or or men? And it actually happened when I was in in church, I was afraid of the minister from the church that we were going to. Um because uh this was a uh a Baptist church and he truly would be the minister would be on uh the pulpit and he would be uh he would be talking and he would be talking about uh God. And I think at one point I even thought you know he knows God. Uh how old do you remember how old you were? I was probably five, okay, five or six. And um, and then I remember one Easter um and he was preaching, and the women in the church would get uh the Holy Spirit and they would start shouting. And Easter Sunday, I was sitting next to this woman, and she just she was shouting, and she got up and she hit me in the nose, and my nose started bleeding all over my Easter dress.
SPEAKER_02:Were you afraid before that?
SPEAKER_00:Or your fear started once you were well I I think backhanded in the of God when the fear really sort of set me, even more so, because then I didn't want to go back to church. Yeah. I was afraid. You're physically assaulted. Well I was actually at that point. And you know, all these people started coming over. Um my my father was an usher at church, and so um not only was my Easter dress just completely and totally ruined, but um the experience was very traumatic for me, and the fact then I didn't want to come or go back to church, and so they were trying to convince me that it was okay, and I I didn't want to have that scene played and and and replayed, and then I thought, now God's gonna be mad at me, and uh That's a lot. Well, it was a lot, yeah. It was a traumatic experience, absolutely. Um, but I got through it. I was saying, how'd you get over it? Um actually, uh, my mother, uh Rosa, who we referred to and is represented here um by our Rose, um she actually said to um my father that maybe this particular environment was not a good environment for me. I should not be afraid to go to church. I should not be afraid of the ministers. So maybe we should think about uh going to another church. Well, my parents had met at that church, so they weren't thinking that that would be uh something that that would ever happen, but mommy was adamant that she wanted me to be raised in a church, and daddy was not happy about the fact of I can only imagine.
SPEAKER_02:I'm listening to you trying to imagine that conversation. You were like, you know, they had the discussion. I was like, uh I bet it was a discussion.
SPEAKER_00:Well, it was a discussion. So anyway, that uh we ended up um going to another church and joining another church, another Baptist church, but it wasn't a a uh scary experience. And what she decided, what mommy decided to do was to get me more involved in the activity. So it wasn't just Sunday school and going to church on Sunday morning. So then I I joined the choir and um junior usher, you know, became okay.
SPEAKER_02:So you got more involved to help get over your fear. I mean, I think that's so interesting that you went, well, it's not interesting, it's now understandable based on that particular experience that you that you just mentioned in terms of fear of men. I can't remember um thinking about being afraid of a man um outside of what I heard um from from others. And so you always told me to be aware. That's right. And so um I think I had general awareness, but I've been fortunate enough, I don't think, to be afraid. Um if I'm remembering back, unless I was doing something foolish, like in college, out with friends, and we are somewhere we're not supposed to be. Right, you know, and it's three o'clock in the morning, then they're like fear might set in then, but it's you know.
SPEAKER_00:You actually called me um one time at college. Really?
SPEAKER_02:Uh-huh. Oh. Oh my gosh. Well, I don't oh no. Here we go. Okay, continue to tell me about myself. So you told me about myself as a teenager and now please you know.
SPEAKER_00:You you had um at that particular time, you were calling me. You and some friends had been out and you'd been at a bar, and so you had been drinking, and what uh I know. I can you believe that? But you call your mother. So I know.
SPEAKER_02:I'm like, what how drunk was I? Okay.
SPEAKER_00:I don't know. Um, I don't know, but but um so you you told me that um one of the guys you've been dating was there with someone else, and that was upsetting to you. And so your girlfriends said, okay, they were encouraging you and telling you that's okay, and you know, everything will be all right, but you decided you wanted to call and talk to me at that particular time. I know, can you believe that?
SPEAKER_02:No, and now I'm trying to remember like who college. This was college. Because you you're over here going down your your list of high school boyfriends, and I'm like, now who did I date involved?
SPEAKER_00:Okay. So I well, I haven't gone down the list of my high school boyfriends, but anyway, um, but what that particular experience um what it taught me at that moment was the fact because we had a good relationship, you felt comfortable saying, Mommy, can you believe what he did? And mommy, can you help me hear, talk me through it? And um, and so um, so I did, and I asked, I asked you the question, who was with you? And so your friend that was with you um was someone that I knew, and so I felt like you were in uh as a safe environment as one could be. But the the reason for the phone call was the devastation that you had that this person had been talking to you, and you thought that you all had a relationship, and I don't know where he was supposed to be, but he was not supposed to be supposed to be not where he was supposed to be. Um, but I think those kind of experiences are learning experiences for you, but I also think they can be a bit traumatic, and they deal with trust issues.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I mean, that's I mean, I'm still getting over the fact that I called you um so when I was a little shell shocked that that happened, but you know, thank you if I didn't thank you after for talking me off whatever ledge I was on. I was carried back home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can say that. Right. Um but trust issues are real because you know, how you treat people matters. And I think you carry that with you. And then when your trust is broken, then it it's a lot, it's what it what's the what's the saying that like it's it's not easy to have trust, but once you break it, like it's gone. Like nothing is ever the same. Ever. You you can mend, you can heal, but it's it's like a broken bone. You know, it you can heal it, but it's always like a little different.
SPEAKER_00:You're absolutely correct. But I I do have a a really good friend of mine that was uh one of my boyfriends in in high school. And um did he break your trust? He did. Oh. A couple times. Uh what? What?
SPEAKER_02:See, okay, this might be a generational difference in that you still talk to anybody who broke my trust. I can't even remember names.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Oh no. Uh and what was interesting about this particular um person, um, because um he's a businessman, uh, and uh and I was in business, and so we had later in life we had some connections in just in terms of of of business, and um, but he had the best lines in the world. Like what?
SPEAKER_02:Oh well give me a good old school pickup line.
SPEAKER_00:I'm so glad you came here because I was thinking about you. Now I'm looking at you with someone else across the room. He sees me, he comes across the room, and he tells me, I'm really so glad you. In fact, I parked my car right out front because if you came happened to come by after work, I wanted you to know that I was here. Hilarious. Yeah, it was.
SPEAKER_02:But you still this person is still in your life.
SPEAKER_00:Well, not in the same way.
SPEAKER_02:No, okay, okay.
SPEAKER_00:I'm telling you broken, but don't mend the same quite, you know. Okay. But but uh that was one of the the really, really good lines. Um, but he's still in my life because I mean, um, he's married, you know, I was married. I the whole uh and we had the commonality of not only friendship, but um being here in um in our city. So you were able to maintain a friendship with an ex? Um yes, yes, I have. Okay. I was able to uh to be able to do that. And I that's a skill set. I've been able to do that sort of across the board. And I think it's because when you get beyond the the hurt, the mistrust, I think you can move on to understand a person for where they are today or where they are at that particular time. You can you can forgive them, you can move beyond that. And see, forgiveness is real important in any relationship, male or female, but but particularly that way.
SPEAKER_02:I mean, forgive, but don't forget.
SPEAKER_00:I just told you the experience.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I just broke it all the way down for you. Right. I did not forget.
SPEAKER_00:But I could tell you some other stories, but but no, the important thing I think is to grow as an individual. And uh think about one of your ex-boyfriends that if you saw on the street or if you were or as I ran into a person on an elevator one time that uh that I used to date. It was like a scene out of a movie. I mean, literally. So I you know, that happens.
SPEAKER_02:I guess it does, clearly. Um well, you know, I okay.
SPEAKER_00:I I think what happens in life is that you have a chance to grow and you have a chance to know now what it is that you want um in terms of a partner and a spouse. And if you're less than fortunate, you get a chance to uh to meet that kind of person and start a life with them. And then you hope and pray that it's a good decision and um and you move forward. Now, in the United States, uh, unfortunately, approximately half of the marriages end up in divorce. And so that growth.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I think you need a little bit more than hope and prayers. What do you need for marriage? Um you know, I don't know that there's a good understanding of what and marriage means different things to different people and different cultures. Um the history of marriage is a fascinating one in terms of like it being a strictly economic decision, and then it in the US now it has a lot to do with love. Um, and because when you look at the divorce rates around the world, they do they do vary based on culture, right? It also has a lot to do with um how are women treated and or empowered or not in a particular culture. Do they have the ability to leave or do they have their the ability to make their own choices based on whatever it is they're going through? Um, and actually, I think that's a generational difference as well. I mean, when we look back, there's um there's some conversation, like some people say, like, oh, well, our grandmothers were married for 40 or 50 or 60 years and everything, and it's like, well, they couldn't leave. Like, yeah, we couldn't have, I don't think women could have a credit card until like the 1970s.
SPEAKER_00:You know, and so But your your grandmother was appalled by that. I mean, literally appalled by the fact that she could not get credit. I believe because she was a businesswoman. Because she was a businesswoman, absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, they would require like your husband to get yeah, and so um it's interesting to to see now and to witness now um when women have more autonomy and more empowerment to live life on their own terms, what decisions do they make?
SPEAKER_00:I think they make decisions based upon love, as you said. I also think they make decisions based upon uh economic security. I think they make decisions based upon the kind of life and lifestyle they want for themselves and for their children. I think they also make decisions based upon the fact of what they think life will be like. You see, that's right, because we grew up with Disney, you know. The princess. Yeah, the Cinderella syndrome, the fairy tales that um at the end, when you look at how the most of the fairy tales end, it's not necessarily you know, yeah, yeah, but they don't tell us that.
SPEAKER_02:And then it's also it's the wedding is a celebration. So there's like a massive celebration before you even enter into the marriage, and the marriage is when the real work happens, I kind of feel like maybe the celebration should happen like five years in, seven years in, ten years in. So the big wedding, yeah, yeah. I mean, I enjoyed my wedding, you know, and so I did too. So, but we also love big celebrations and we love big moments in time. But um, if I were to think about how my relationship Was when we got married, I didn't really know what going into a marriage was. How how would I? All I knew was what I have witnessed in my household. And then all my husband knew is what he witnessed in his household. And so it's it's of course the blending of families. But I mean, now 10 years later, um, and I guess folks do it. They they do other like renewals and everything, like in these big moments. So I I almost think that those are more impactful than the beginning because you don't really know what you're you're getting into.
SPEAKER_00:You all are celebrating um your your 10-year wedding anniversary. Shout out to us. So hey, hey, that's that's good. Congratulations. Because that doesn't always happen.
SPEAKER_02:Not everybody makes it.
SPEAKER_00:Not everybody makes it.
SPEAKER_02:I'm trying to think what I can't remember what 10. That's not what I think five was wood. And I was like, well, what am I gonna get for wood? But I think like 10. I think 10 is like silver or or diamonds or something. Maybe I could be wrong. Right, right.
SPEAKER_03:All right, okay. He can pay attention to that, okay. I'm sure he's been paying attention this whole time because they're not bad boyfriends.
SPEAKER_00:Um, but I I I think it's it's really important to celebrate the moment. Yeah. Um, we have a cousin that's getting married and in a couple weeks, and I happen to be talking to him um recently, and uh they he and his fiancee were just coming back from marriage counseling. Oh, that's good. And uh so I said, Well, how did it go? And he said Wedding's still on? Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_00:Um he said it's going fine. He said, Um, I'm still learning. And I said, Oh, you're just beginning. Right. Yeah, yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Um it's a lot to learn. It is a lot to learn to live with somebody else and to take them into consideration. It's just a lot, and it's also different for men and women because I I feel like the the baseline expectation is different, and then you're having to adjust to who that person really is, and then if it goes long term, ideally people change as they grow, and so you're trying to grow together.
SPEAKER_00:It's just it's a whole thing, and um, and children make a difference too because you may have different expectations uh in terms of you you raise your children. I mean, blessing your child.
unknown:Blessing.
SPEAKER_00:But how you raise your child and and what you want um for his or her future is very important. So I think it also helps when you have good, honest, open communication. I think it helps when you all can talk. Yeah. Are you not gonna always agree? You are not going to be in an environment that is utopia. Life is not like that. And so being able to grow together and to work through the issues, work through the problems, work through the challenging moments uh helps to strengthen I think relationships in in in general. And I can honestly say that it's really good if you are married to a person who can express himself or herself.
SPEAKER_02:Communication is is a baseline requirement. You know, and I don't know if I think there's any excuse, um, maybe it depends on the age, but to not to be able to not be able to communicate um with your partner as an adult. Um, particularly if the other person has asked that of you. Like it's so how how can you navigate life without being able to communicate?
SPEAKER_00:Well, I don't think you can navigate life without being able to communicate. I think that's probably one of the challenges of marriages. I I think that there's at some point when people are not getting along, then they shut down.
SPEAKER_02:Do you think men and women speak different languages?
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely. Oh that was unequivocal. I know. You know they do.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, you're like, there's no thinking involved.
SPEAKER_00:I know. But they also can grow. Um because I I have uh a a very person who's dear to my heart, and uh I I've seen the transformation. I've seen the growth, I've seen the um the period in which the person acted in one particular way, but now years later, you know, he's acting in a in a different way.
SPEAKER_02:So in your opinion, what language do men speak and what language do women speak? Like where's the where's the difference?
SPEAKER_00:Um you perhaps are familiar with the uh the book um Let me see, Men Are from Mars and Women Are From Mars. Oh, I've heard of it. I don't think I ever read it. Okay. Um and in I think I'm living it. I don't need to read about it. Um it's been several years since I since I uh read it. But I I think a part of what was evident in in that book is the fact that we are growing constantly. And if you're not growing together, then you feel like you're out of space by yourself. Um so it is important for both of you to acknowledge growth and differentials because what what happens is couples will say that, well, when we got married or when this happened, yes, but things change. So how are you going to then navigate the change? And that's a part of of the problem as well. And then there is the whole conversation about love languages.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I love learning. Well, actually, let me let me rephrase this. Um I loved learning about love languages and then understanding what my own was. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:So what is yours?
SPEAKER_02:Uh words of affirmation.
SPEAKER_00:So you need to have, you need to be affirmed in terms of who you are and what you are, and you can just affirm me across the board. Oh, okay.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Just all the things. But you know what's what's good about that is is the fact that you know it, you've communicated it, and um one would hope and pray that your husband has heard. Yeah, no, he did.
SPEAKER_02:And um and and being able to And then my friends did too, because I didn't just limit, once I learned this about myself, I didn't just limit um my new learning to my marriage. I was like, hey, friends, FYI. You know, as we navigate life together in our friend circles and friend groups, this is something that's important to me.
SPEAKER_00:What do you think is most important in terms of the needed affirmation? Is it um once a week? Is it once a month? What's most important to you or is it in different ways? How do you want that love language to be communicated?
SPEAKER_02:That's a good question. I don't it probably differs for different people because there are folks who I'm really close to who I don't talk to on an ongoing basis, but when we get together, it's like no time is left at all. Um and then yeah, so I don't have like a consistency uh idea about it. I just I know it when I see it, or I know it when I feel it probably is more important. And then there's also I learned that it is like your number one love language, and then like there's a secondary too. Um I cannot remember what my secondary one is. But what what's your love language?
SPEAKER_00:Communication is is key. So being able to um to openly communicate. That's not one of them. It isn't. No, it is mine, it's for me. It's for me.
SPEAKER_02:So tell me what you like know how to what if what if it's some of the others? Oh my gosh. Okay, all right. Let me see. So acts of service is one. Um words of affirmation um is another. Oh no, I don't know if I can remember the other three off the top of my head.
SPEAKER_00:Are you sure it's not communication?
SPEAKER_02:I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure. Being able to physical touch and share ah, physical touch is one.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Um keep keep talking though, maybe it'll come to me as I was thinking about how important it is, and maybe this is age and stage, to be able to not only understand yourself better, but also to be able to understand your partner, and to be able to give back to your partner the same kind of um address the same kind of need that he would have in in terms of love language. So that's true. Um so it's a give and take scenario. Giving gifts that's important.
SPEAKER_02:It's another one. Okay, all right. Or receiving gifts, giving gifts. That's one of the gifts in. Yeah. So I'm only missing one. I got four out of the five. I can't remember that's fine.
SPEAKER_00:I couldn't remember the specifics. See, I remembered more about uh men are from ours, women are from me and I get me to get me. In in mentioning the um the love languages, I think that as society becomes more connected because of social media and all these other options that we have, it is important maybe for some of those love languages and that communication skill to be able to um elevate uh in a certain kind of way.
SPEAKER_02:I agree. Folks, I think, are feeling less connected as we are in this more digital world. So finding different ways to find um love in all of its forms, I think is is helpful and important to people as they navigate their lives and whatever the various pandemics we're going through, whether it's like loneliness or all the other ailments that that society is facing.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I think you're right. Absolutely. But I also believe that we are in a in a time frame where you're knowing who you are and you're being able to express yourself and your being able to share with your loved one, with your partner on an ongoing basis is important because you're maybe one way today, but tomorrow, emotionally, your needs may be different.
SPEAKER_02:That's true, as you navigate the various stages of life. Absolutely. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I think we're doing an okay job. Yeah, thanks for communicating with me. Well, not a problem at all. We we can uh we can absolutely say um Frank and Rosa, my mother and father were married for 62 years. They were. So that's real important. Um and I was That's a commitment. It is a commitment. That's a lot of communication. That is a lot of communication. Uh your dad and I were married for 32 years and then not. Yeah. So that um that happened. Uh and you and your husband are now celebrating uh 10 years in in a couple of weeks. So that's a that's a blessing as well.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, marriage is a whole thing, but uh it can absolutely be a blessing, for sure.
SPEAKER_00:It can be um love. Yeah, love is a blessing. And uh and being able to have someone in your life that loves you for who you are, to have someone in your life that accepts you on all levels, those things that are your strengths and also your challenge areas, and to be able to give to that person yourself fully, totally, honestly, and just work through it. Whatever it is, just work through it. And you have to keep on working through it. Yeah, because every day things can change.
SPEAKER_03:Amen. And on that on that note, I will talk to you next time. Looking forward to it. Bye bye. Bye.
