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Raised By Her Podcast
Raised By Her is a mother–daughter podcast exploring the lessons, love, and lived experiences passed down through generations. Hosts Ro Nita and Donnica share honest, intergenerational conversations about womanhood, identity, family, and leadership - and the wisdom we inherit (and sometimes challenge).
Part humor and all heart, Raised By Her is a reminder that every generation has something to teach—and that the stories that raise us continue to shape who we become.
Raised By Her Podcast
How to Navigate Grief and Family Boundaries During the Holidays | Raised By Her
We recorded an entire episode… and lost it. So we hit reset and turned a podcast disaster into one of our realest conversations yet about holiday grief, family boundaries, and surviving the chaos of the season.
In this episode of Raised By Her, we keep it 100%. Donnica shares what really happened the night she was honored at the Who’s Who in Black Dayton & Cincinnati awards—including the valet meltdown that left hundreds stranded in the cold.
We open up about navigating the holidays while grieving and how we’re learning to show up emotionally when the season feels heavy. We also dive into:
- The viral trend of Millennials going “No Contact” with parents
- How to handle difficult in-laws and family drama
- Why setting boundaries is essential for your mental health
- And… the reason Ro Nita is forcing the family to go caroling (even though she can’t sing)
If you’re moving through loss, trying to protect your peace, or dealing with complicated family dynamics this time of year, this episode is for you.
Timestamps:
0:00 - Ohio weather is bipolar
1:05 - The "Lost Episode" disaster (We forgot to hit record!)
2:40 - Broadcasting horror stories & finding joy in failure
4:57 - Mom gets honored at "Who's Who in Black Dayton"
8:12 - The 45-minute Valet Parking nightmare
11:44 - How to handle holiday grief & setting boundaries
16:22 - Bringing back the Caroling Party tradition
19:35 - Our favorite holiday games (Charades & Trivia)
23:45 - The case of the missing Christmas decorations
26:25 - The truth about marrying into a difficult family
28:31 - "No Mother-in-Law Required": A dating horror story
30:23 - Why Millennials are going "No Contact" with parents
33:51 - Forgiving people for your own peace
36:02 - Choosing your "Word of the Year" for 2026
40:13 - Morning rituals for a better life
🎤 New episodes every week. Honest conversations between mother and daughter on family, womanhood, and navigating life across generations.
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Welcome back to Race by Her. Please feel free to like and subscribe, but we're so thrilled to have you with us. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. It's here almost. Well, it definitely feels like it's here. It's a fun new race decide. I was talking to somebody earlier today and they were like, Ohio is very bipolar in their weather. Like, that's the challenge. I think they were from Minnesota or St. Louis or something, and they were like, it's cold. And I was like, Oh, so you're used to the cold. And they were like, not like this, because that co that cold is consistent. Yes. And this cold is just down. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Yeah. So it felt like it was sleeting when I was on our my way here to the studio today. So anyway.
SPEAKER_01:Sleeting for 15 minutes and then sunny for another 15 and back to sleeting. Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_02:Welcome to Ohio. The weather, it changes.
SPEAKER_01:And also welcome to our 35th episode's recording for today. It is not 35th. It feels like it. Well, yes, yes. Because we literally just recorded another episode with a guest who we are so excited for you all to hear from. But um our wonderful producer didn't hit record.
SPEAKER_02:That's that's right. But it was a great like dress rehearsal. Uh Jamila Weather's was uh quite uh engaging and really informative. And when we have a chance to do the real thing, optimistic.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, she was all those things. Yes, yeah, it is things work out the way they're supposed to.
SPEAKER_02:Well, I believe so. And I also think that it's not the worst thing that could happen. So uh but we had a long day. Well, that is true. We start okay, okay. We started this morning with uh a breakfast event, so it has been a long day.
SPEAKER_01:But and it wasn't even like um, oh okay, 10 or 15 minutes and so sorry, forgot to hit record. We were we were wrapping up, right?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, we were near the end, yes, yes, and had a great conversation, and all of us went, whoa. She was very generous. She's just very generous. But for a person who has been in the not podcast world for many years, but in the broadcasting technology world, there have been all kinds of things that have happened over the years, and so this is not as bad as uh one might think. Okay. Um I've done live shows and um someplace in the middle of the show uh a light would fall down in the studio, and so you'd hear this big crash, and it's a live show. Um or I've had a guest that became ill. Um kind of so ill. Like they like they threw up all over you. Well, no, not all over me. Oh, or you're they they felt something coming on, and so they had to excuse themselves. Excuse themselves. And so I'm live show, so I'm filling and talking about uh, you know, kind of. What did you do with the light though? So um we stopped the show for just a moment and said we needed to go find out what was going on, and uh we apologize uh and go to commercial, go to commercial. Well, no, this was public television, so okay not go to go to commercial. So um on public television, we did a lot of those uh fundraisers, those live fundraisers, and where you are talking to the audience about becoming a member and donating to public TV.
SPEAKER_01:The flight falls and you you lose the time to pitch, so you lose like$50,000.
SPEAKER_02:So yeah, actually, I think what we did um was to talk about, see, we do really need this money because now that we know that no one is hurt, exactly no one's hurt, but um so so I'm saying that what had happened today is just a part of broadcasting or podcasting and being on air.
SPEAKER_01:So No, I I I received that. The conversation that folks will hear eventually is going to be around joy. Yes. Um, and intentionally curating joy. And so I did feel like once we had that conversation around joy and realized that the recording hadn't happened, that it would be disingenuous for me not to activate joy. See? In that a learning experience. Lean into the conversation we just had. That's exactly right.
SPEAKER_02:So when we we record it, um, we'll have an opportunity. It'll be sometime in 2026. And yeah, so it'll be a good show.
SPEAKER_01:It'll be a good show. Yes. Okay, so why are outside of recording 95 times today?
SPEAKER_02:What why are we still you you have just a a little bit, I I think, of embellishment here. Just a little bit. And you must get that from your father's side of the family because I would that we wouldn't be because you know, I don't exaggerate, you know, I'm I'm I'm right there. So uh no, we had an opportunity last evening to be um at a wonderful event in Cincinnati, Ohio, uh, where you were honored as one of the who's who in Black Dayton and Cincinnati. So congratulations. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01:It was it was very um, I feel it very honored and it's very nice, and I'm very grateful for the recognition. The work that we do, we don't do it for the recognition, but it does um it does feel good to just kind of be in the room and and to be with uh people who you admire and you respect and um to be together and move the work forward. So uh that's that's really my focus. But it was it was a nice event.
SPEAKER_02:Who was? It was a very nice event. And um in the room there were um just several black professionals who had an opportunity to excel in their own individual careers. So whether it was uh professionals in technology, doctors, uh, lawyers, there were people who were doing things in community, there were several entrepreneurs.
SPEAKER_01:A lot of diversity and experience, yeah, for sure. For sure. It actually reminded me of like a a local congressional black caucus scenario. Ah, that's kind of cool. I hadn't thought about that, but you're right. Like a localized version, not on the scale. I mean I I I'm hesitating because that would be too critical because I am like gracious in terms of receiving the award. But anyway, yes, it's not a smaller scale.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, yeah. Um today I was talking to someone who was there um last evening as well and and recognized, and she said, Isn't it nice to be able to sit in a room today and celebrate uh diversity and celebrate accomplishment, and to have people from two different cities have a chance to network and to mingle and just taking that moment to not only look at what the possibilities are, but to see what people have been able to accomplish in spite of the challenges that you know that we have gone through as people of color the last 10, 15, 20, or 30 years. Or 400 and that is true too.
SPEAKER_01:But yeah, no, I actually I'm really happy that we sat at a table uh with a lot of folks from Cincinnati because when I was talking to some of the other honorees or other folks who were in the room, uh they were at tables with folks that they knew, which is always nice and great. Right. Um, they were like, Yeah, so we didn't even really talk to anybody from Cincinnati. And I was like, oh bummer, because I did and we met X, Y, and C. So I I agree. It was cool watching the two cities come together and genuinely support each other. That's right. Absolutely. Like the vibe was good. And the music was good. And the food was good. Okay, okay. Okay, yes, I'm mad at it.
SPEAKER_02:And uh um our our sisters uh from here in the Dayton, Miami Valley area that uh worked really hard on on this event. A shout out to uh to uh Dr. and Mrs. White and what they did for this event.
SPEAKER_01:A shout out to all involved, but for sure. For sure. Cool thing. And then um I will have to say that I I do really need hotels that are hosting events like this to make sure that they have all of their functions together because the valet experience was unacceptable.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, and I've been to several events uh in downtown Cincinnati at that particular hotel, and the valet experience that uh that we had most recently was completely and totally unacceptable.
SPEAKER_01:Was it the wait, had had it ever been like that before?
SPEAKER_02:No, which is why I said, Oh yeah, we can valley park when you said should we valley park?
SPEAKER_01:That's always if I go down. I'm like, what is gonna be the easiest way for us to get in? You know, and we did what we know to do, like we kept a little early so we could be you know at the front of the line. Didn't matter because the line didn't move for 45 minutes.
SPEAKER_02:It was it was awful. And people were telling me today that they didn't get home until like 11 o'clock or after uh last night because of the experience. And I said, we finally just got the keys and we walked to the car. We were able to go and find the car ourselves. So um, but it reminds me of the fact that um sometimes things will go wrong, or sometimes the people who are responsible are so overwhelmed. And today they probably would have done it differently, but I I think they had a number of new people.
SPEAKER_01:Is that what it was? So that is they hired a bunch of new people we're gonna start. We have this big event. Well, everybody's gonna start on this night. Best of luck with no training. I I think that's how it felt.
SPEAKER_02:It was well, it did feel that way. And I think you said there were 400 and some people that there were 400 people there. So um, and not everybody drove um their car singularly, but it felt like it like there were 400 plus cars there.
SPEAKER_01:So the important thing, I guess, is that we all made it there and back safely. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:See, very good.
SPEAKER_01:Leaning into that joy. That's right.
SPEAKER_02:There it is, lean into that joy. That is what our guest was just talking about. So we have to look at life that way and experience not only those things that can be a little challenging, but maybe you just have to pause for a moment and just take your time.
SPEAKER_01:I was paused for like 45 minutes. Well, it was cold outside. It was very cold outside. I now have to take my elderberry and drink all the tea and try to make sure you do whatever might have been done for the fact that I was standing outside. But you weren't alone. There was a whole line. That's true. That's true. Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_02:And then we had to drive back to Dayton. So it was but we got it done. And it was a it was a nice event.
SPEAKER_01:It was a nice event, worthwhile, and I and congratulations.
SPEAKER_02:I very much appreciate the honor. And congratulations to all the other honorees. That's right. Very much so. All those in Dayton and Cincinnati and some wonderful friends and colleagues uh who really deserved wonderful recognition.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely. Uh it's a good, it's a wonderful community. Yeah. Shout out to Dayton and Cincinnati.
SPEAKER_02:And they do this event, uh, the sponsoring organization, they do it around the country. And this was the 10th anniversary for Cincinnati, first time for Dayton, but they they do it in other larger cities, Columbus.
SPEAKER_01:I think I said like nine other cities. Columbus and Detroit, yes.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. So uh so those of you out there listening, if you have been one of the who's who in your city, congratulations to you to the Who's Who in Black. Excuse me. That's right. Who's who in black? In black.
SPEAKER_03:Where it well, where it well.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, where it well. Yeah, especially this day and time. So yeah.
SPEAKER_01:What else has been going on?
SPEAKER_02:Well, um, it is time for us to get ready for the holidays.
SPEAKER_01:The holidays. It's true. Um, how are you preparing for the holidays? Well, last year it was a little challenging for us because that's true. My father passed away, and I think I canceled everything. I was like, I'm not and I'm grateful that my family respected that. They were like, if you just want to be in bed under the covers and not do it, we we get it. So I didn't have to push, um, push past my grief for anybody else. I could just have the experience that I needed to have at that time. And uh that's what you're supposed to do too. Yeah, but it can be hard. Like I it would not shock me if other people were in situations where um they were experiencing grief and needed time alone, but their family was like, no, it's Christmas. This has to happen.
SPEAKER_02:You know, we had a uh very, very quiet Christmas, and what we chose to do was to allow for not only our moments in grief, but our moments in reflection and the time alone. And it's it's always hard when you lose a loved one. But it's it appears to be even more difficult when it's around a holiday period of time.
SPEAKER_01:I think also God bless my father, because he required he desired um not just one funeral, but two funerals, which I think is probably what really took me out. Um, it it took everything for me to get through the the funeral in uh Dayton, Ohio, where where we were both located, but then he wanted to have a funeral in his hometown of Virginia. And so that was that was a lot.
SPEAKER_02:It was a lot, but it was uh, I think a beautiful tribute to the life he lived and a celebration of his connectivity to two communities. That's because the the minister who uh performed the service uh here in our hometown was a minister that uh knew us as a family well and the church he grew up in, and then the people there were very responsive, and then family and friends uh because he had lived uh more than 45 years of his life here. And then when going back to his hometown, he was there a lot and very active in his um high school uh class reunions and very involved with friends uh back home in Virginia, and then of course a large family from there as well. Yeah, and he didn't believe that it would be possible uh upon his passing that family would be able to necessarily travel here. So he wanted to be able to have two ceremonies and I think pretty emphatic about it. Yes, yeah, he was, he was, and so we did it.
SPEAKER_01:And shout out to my aunts in particular, yeah, uh who raised in Virginia that really took care of the what's the government because they weren't both beautiful services, they were both well attended, it was everything that you would want twice in two different communities. Uh, but I just I couldn't do twice. And so anyway, it was very much a group effort as well.
SPEAKER_02:So that's that so having said all of that, um, you know, honor to uh to your dad. And uh and then what is the plan to get through the holidays when you have experienced some kind of grief like that? What do you have to do? So you said you wanted to be by yourself and stay in and and not have to go out and be out and about quite a bit.
SPEAKER_01:So I still actually feel that way. I talked to my therapist about this, and she was like, no, Donica, it doesn't have to be either or. You know, you can't absolutely have those moments. And you being an introvert, that makes sense. You know, being by yourself is how you gain your energy and everything. Um, but also uh we don't want to get stuck places. And so um, if there is opportunity to go and join your family at different moments, feel free to do that as well. And then if you need to leave or want to leave, like make it your own, but it doesn't have to be either or you can curate um an experience that works for you.
SPEAKER_02:I think that's excellent advice. I mean, advice. Yeah, she just gets me together. Okay. Well, which is why you have now gotten to the holidays this year and you feel like participating and celebrating and doing some things that um you want to do and you and your husband want to do, and we as a family want to do.
SPEAKER_01:So yeah. Certainly feel more like participating this year than I did last year. Yeah, that's for sure.
SPEAKER_02:So, what I have chosen to do during this holiday season is to bring back an old tradition that um that I used to do first when I was single many, many, many years ago. And uh that is to have a Christmas caroling party.
SPEAKER_01:And to this woman and her hosting, y'all, I tell you.
SPEAKER_02:And to do it at the VA Center uh for the vets. Um so uh a group of friends and family are going to meet at the VA Center and we're going to do caroling for uh for the veterans. And um, we have our song books and we go through and it's for families, so it's adults and children, and we pass out candy canes, and it's uh it's a nice way to be able to not only honor our vets, but also to do something where you're you're giving back and participating and getting into the holiday spirit.
SPEAKER_01:That's very yeah, very you. And I remember doing or attending, I should say, similar things throughout uh my course of growing up. Actually, I think you required caroling, whether we were out singing to others or just singing to ourselves. I think family members um, you know, uh across the board is will testify to being in the living room and you know, having the piano being played and and being required to sing well, I Christmas songs.
SPEAKER_02:I really love Christmas songs. I think they're the most beautiful songs. Your grandmother really loved Christmas. She did. Yes, she did the song. So, mommy in honor of you, we're going to be caroling. Uh again, yes, you're absolutely correct. Whether it was Christmas Day or whether it was one of our parties or when the celebrations, whether it was the young people or whether it was those who were elderly. Well, my favorite Christmas song is White Christmas.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. And um so you love being around singing, but can you sing?
SPEAKER_02:No, I can't sing it all. Not even a little bit. Not even a little bit when I was in kindergarten. Um, we were having a special program, and the kindergarten teacher and the music teacher were listening and listening, and they kept coming back over into the area that I was standing. So well, it was and uh it was me, and they said, Um, what we'd like for you to do is just hum, hum through the silence. So um, and I I thought about that because I went home and I said, Mommy, when we were singing today, they had me hum. I'm thinking I'm being the music art of everybody else is is singing, but um, I cannot carry a tune. And then years later, when I was taking piano lessons, the piano teacher would say, Okay, so play the notes. That's not the right note. Can you hear it? So I was tested. I'm tone deaf.
SPEAKER_01:And so, oh that's what's it's a medical issue.
SPEAKER_02:Well, hey, I you know I've never said that.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:But I love, love, love singing. So what I often would say is that God bless me with a speaking voice that I could actually use as a part of my profession, but I'm not supposed to be singing. So therefore, everybody else sings, and I don't just hum though, I do sing. Yeah, no, you do sing, you produce it. You sing it.
SPEAKER_01:You are still getting your singing in.
SPEAKER_02:I met Alian. So we're gonna have a caroling party, and then after the caroling party, then we come home and we have a house party. And you should remember this because it's we've done this many, many times for every habitation.
SPEAKER_01:Yep, yep.
SPEAKER_02:Um, throughout the life your lifetime. So I believe that you just take in opportunities to celebrate family, food, and whatever the special times are. We also play holiday games. So there are always kinds of holiday games.
SPEAKER_01:I'm not remembering.
SPEAKER_02:Well, um, you have different things that you do. You can act out certain um Charades, and you have to guess what either the word is that is closed.
SPEAKER_01:Charades is actually one of the games that we played uh when I first got married and we were bringing our families together. I remember this. Um, so my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law, and the nieces, and then us, of course. It that's a fun game. Yeah, charades' hilarious.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, yeah. And charades during the holidays is fun and funny as well. So, and then there's some games where you're writing down, taking some clues and trying to write down the names of what various Christmas carols or songs are.
SPEAKER_01:I like history.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Uh, and then you have these words where that you have to create um certain kinds of connections to the holiday. So all different kinds of things.
SPEAKER_01:I also remember the baking that you were like really big on, um holiday baking. So gingerbread houses and cookies and brownies, buckeyes and buckeyes, yes, oh yeah, rum cakes. See, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Rum cakes, never the sweet potato pies, those. Those were always mommy's things, the the sweet potato pies.
SPEAKER_01:Is that more cooking is in baking? I feel like that's a whole that's like a whole recipe. Well, yeah, that's very specific. Well, baking is specific.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, I mean specific, yes. And you and you're really good at it or not, yeah. One one one or the other.
SPEAKER_01:But everybody can learn something. You learn to sing kind of things. Well, yes.
SPEAKER_02:So the whole baking thing was um was a party too, because you know, I could get you and your friends together and we would have baking parties and they enjoyed that. Oh yeah. So you know, it's about celebrating the moments of life um with intention. And that's really how I I kind of look at each and every one of the situations that we have. Just just take a moment, take the time, and have some joy and some laughter, and be able, I think, to just uh create special moments. That's a part of what living is all about. I know it's with intention.
SPEAKER_01:Well, it's with intention, but also I just know it's a lot of work. Like you have like all these other I think I'm always saying this.
SPEAKER_02:You are always the shame on you. But it's a part of life, you know.
SPEAKER_01:You I think I think you can choose, choose your work, you know. Like some people enjoy hosting, so they don't mind adding that to their plate. I just I also just feel like I talk to women all the time who don't necessarily enjoy it, but it's a level of expectation that they have to fulfill.
SPEAKER_02:Well, I think that's a different kind of situation. I think that what you have to do, what I had to do, because I was busy, uh, very, very busy, um, family, having a business, family and and work and and all those things, is uh to plan it all out and then to be able to ask for help and then to have another plan, a backup plan, because things always want to do it. Like if it's not something that you enjoy, but you know, generally family and friends enjoy it. So yeah. You do it for others. No, I'm enjoying it for myself.
SPEAKER_01:So for yourself, I enjoy it.
SPEAKER_02:I hear from women who do it for others. Yes, they're the ones probably who don't enjoy it as much as much. I'm just saying so yeah. But but you've always been a part of helping and helping out, and I appreciate that. You don't have to do all of the planning, but you you participate and yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I don't know that I had a choice early on. Uh but yes, in my adulthood. So you were raised by her, so you exactly, exactly. So there I I felt that expectation, you know, in that obligation.
SPEAKER_02:That is true, and so did your father. Yeah, yes, that's right. But he enjoyed it. He liked socializing too. Yeah. And uh so uh so this year we're trying to get back into the the uh the special things, but I did have a situation that was very disturbing to me because last year we didn't put up a Christmas tree because of everything that we had shared before and our and our travels during the the holidays. So this year when I was getting ready to decorate the trees and pull everything out, I couldn't find two large containers of my decorations.
SPEAKER_01:I and so you have beautiful decorations. Well, I mean, they're there somewhere, they didn't walk away.
SPEAKER_02:Well, no, but maybe I ended up giving them away or something because I I used to have three trees in the home and you know, yeah, I had a beautiful and plentiful. Yes, right. Well, and so I thought that I don't need all of these decorations, so I gave away some of them, but I don't believe I gave away the decorations for the main tree that I was doing, but haven't been able to find them. So in the midst of planning and decorating, I wasn't able to find the containers, so then I had to go out and purchase new decorations, which didn't please me because the prices have gone dramatically. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So I knew that you had what you wanted, which is tough. So I don't even this isn't fun shopping because I don't want to have to do it.
SPEAKER_02:That's exactly right. So uh but I finally finished it two days ago, and yes, yes, yes, so with all the new decorations decorations for the holiday party. Yes, yes, so yeah, so just two this year. Just two, okay. I mean just two, so everyone can manage uh okay. And um I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends uh for the happy occasion, which is part of what this is all about as well. And then we're gonna be doing some traveling, aren't we?
SPEAKER_01:Mm-hmm. Yeah, this year we're going um to visit my in-laws um in Atlanta, which we do periodically anyway. So yeah, yeah, trade-off. So um that should be good. Yes, yeah. So it's actually something that I I appreciate. Uh, but it's also something I um was methodical is not the right word, but I was intentional, you know, when I went to go meet my husband's family for the first time before we were married. It was I think it was around the holidays, and so I was betting for fit to make sure. Things didn't have to be exactly the same, but there certainly had to be like, you know, some similarities and you know, because different families are so different and everybody has their different traditions. So I feel very fortunate um that we fit. I shouldn't say I do feel fortunate, but also that was intentional too, because if it if it didn't fit, then you know, we'd have to figure out some other Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Your your in-laws are uh gracious and welcoming, and we've had great times when we have a chance to to visit Atlanta, your husband's family. And so it's cool. It is, it's nice.
SPEAKER_01:Um It would be challenging. So because I'm trying to think if I have any friends that have gone through this at different points, I think the answer is yes. Would you marry into a family that you don't get along with?
SPEAKER_02:How do you know that before you actually get married?
SPEAKER_01:Because you need them.
SPEAKER_02:Well, yes, but you don't know well, you don't know if you're not going to be able to get along with them in this.
SPEAKER_01:You've never had a friend that um has in a long-term relationship, so boyfriend or girlfriend for years, and so they know enough of the family and they don't get along with the mother, or they don't get along with the sister, or they don't get along with the with the father, and it just causes tension, like they love each other, but the family tensions just boil over.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, I have known enough situations like that. Um, but I always I believe that you can get through uh a few hours uh once a year or for a holiday celebration because sometimes it's graduation, sometimes it's birthdays. But I think you can you you have to just just get along. You know, that's a part, that's a part of compromise. Yeah, well, yeah, it's a part of compromise. I think you have to be, I think, mindful of other people's needs and wants because at the end of the day, it's not forever, it's just for that moment in time. So I believe you just get along. And if you walk around living a life just thinking about all of what's not working, it makes life so much more difficult.
SPEAKER_01:It does. I'm also just yeah, okay. I mean, I don't have a specific situation that I'm thinking of, so I can't like dive deep, but I just know that like it's not e it's not always that easy as just get along because um it can be a hostile environment.
SPEAKER_02:Like it just there's like all these different Well, I know of situations that are somewhat hostile. Um, and I know of situations where people know that um the mother of their husband doesn't like them. Uh and it it's challenging. But I also think you have to be able to to just for the other person that you love, just make it work for that time frame.
SPEAKER_01:That was actually a piece of advice um that I got from this woman who I didn't know very well. It was when I was uh living in Houston, and uh we were both federal uh clerks for a federal judge in Houston. Yes. And so I was only there for a short period of time. That's that was our relationship. And so we were talking not just about our professions and what we were going to do in the future, but also um, you know, what are you doing personally? Are you dating anybody and everything? She um was divorced, and her number one requirement for any future relationships was that uh they would that she would not have mother-in-law. She would not have a mother-in-law? That the mother would have had to pass away. What? Mm-hmm. Why? Because she had such a traumatic experience uh previously. Wow. So that was her advice. She was just like, you know, do you do whatever, but also just like mother-in-law is can be a whole thing.
SPEAKER_02:So online in her profile, she has um, is your mother alive or dead?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know if she had online, I don't know if online dating was a thing back then.
SPEAKER_02:Well, no, it wasn't. It wasn't a thing way back then, but but today, but yeah, but it's just that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01:I just know that it's extreme. I've I've heard different things from different people over the course of my life.
SPEAKER_02:Oh my goodness, compromise, you know, come on, you know, get along.
SPEAKER_01:But I it can be easier said than done.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, well, I I understand that. I mean, I do. I and I know people are who they are, and I also know that uh it makes it difficult, especially the person who is really impacted by the way that the other person treats them because you know you're walking into that situation. But you know, people are who they are.
SPEAKER_01:Well, there's this whole trend around uh uh millennials and Gin Xers um not divorcing their parents, but like separating themselves from their parents. And I feel like that's kind of speaking to a little bit about what we're talking about. Yes, where oh, it's calling no contact, that's what it's called. And so they just go strictly no contact with their parents. And it's it's a growing trend.
SPEAKER_02:It and it's unfortunate, yes. I'm I'm aware of that growing trend. But the reason is I I think a little questionable because the reason is the parents have been so involved in their child's life, that sort of helicoptering thing that came out many years ago, being helicopter parents and helping with all the decisions. And so now that your child is grown, there is this desire to continue as a parent being involved in almost every aspect of your child's life. And then the child says, okay, you know, enough is enough. I'm grown. I am not needing your advice, I'm not wanting your advice at this particular time. And so we're gonna kind of end this situation. And the parent says, Well, no, you know, we're not gonna end this because I'm still here for you, I'm still your parent. And then the child, in many instances, says, No. And then they just sort of stop, cut them off.
SPEAKER_01:I think that could happen in some scenarios. I don't know if I think it's like an over involvement or a not respecting decisions, you know. So like you again, you choose a partner and your parents don't don't like that person.
SPEAKER_02:But they have to accept but they have to accept but they don't.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:You know what I mean? And so then then as a as a protection mechanism, then they go no contact with their parents. This was one example.
SPEAKER_02:That would be so, so very hard. Thanks. So and very sad. And so then if you go through an experience where you have not had contact, and that happens with siblings, it happens, you know. I mean, that there are a lot of situations. Um but at the end of the day, you know, you don't choose your parents or some say you do actually. Yeah. There is a side that says that that that it is a a choice. But anyway, um you do have, I think, this life you're living and how you choose to navigate, execute is up to you. And it's much easier to say, uh, I'm sorry, I'll give you your space and move it forward. Because a lot of times those decisions that you're talking about also impacts the children and grandchildren. And so um, and then there are these situations where family gets together and then you're not there and they go, Where is so and so? And then uh life can be complicated.
SPEAKER_01:It can be, yes. Yeah. So I mean, I appre I always appreciate your optimism. And I like I always say, like, you vibrate higher anyway. So you could probably deal with in any and everything.
SPEAKER_02:I just choose to be able to just not only try to get along, but I choose to be able to take a perspective that life is too short. And if you hold on to stuff, then you're the one holding on to it. That other person has just gone on, they've lived their life or they are living their life, and they're doing their thing, and they're not even thinking about you, and you're walking around remembering what he did, what she did, what they said. That's true.
SPEAKER_01:And so you forgive people for yourself, not for other people.
SPEAKER_02:That's absolutely right. And it impacts your stress level, it impacts what goes on in terms of your health. They've done studies that say that when you are not in that forgiving mode, then um, you find that it has an impact on your body and the cells of your body long term. So at some point, you have to move on beyond whatever that circumstance is by choice. It doesn't mean that you have to love them, it doesn't mean that you have to live with them, but it does mean that you are required to get beyond that circumstance.
SPEAKER_01:I agree with you. I mean, I think I just always want to be really careful that like, have you heard the term toxic positivity? Sure. Yeah. And so they're just, you know, people who are like, oh, just everything's okay. I was like, well, everything might be able to be okay eventually. But I just I I I don't like acting like everybody's okay all the time because I don't think that's true. No, I but they should be. No life is life and things happen.
SPEAKER_02:It's like people are people and yeah, yes, yeah, yeah. So uh no, I'm not gonna be fake. I'm not gonna act like I like you or act like I want to be around you or whatever. You know, no, I'm not. You know, I'm not gonna choose to have you in my space if you have been uh disrespectful, if you have been someone who has been unkind to a loved one, um, you know, that I care about. But I can be forgiving because life is long as well.
SPEAKER_01:Life is long and short all the same time.
SPEAKER_02:Yes it is. Yes, it is.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:So um, but yeah, so it's it's uh the holidays are challenging for some and difficult for some, but also meaningful for all. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:It is a commercialized day that has really kind of been um adopted across the board. But like you said, meaningful and uh it's important to celebrate moments when you can.
SPEAKER_02:So we have our plans for the holidays. And do you have anything else coming up that's uh important in the foreseeable future?
SPEAKER_01:Yes, but um terms of what I'm going to broadcast here, TBD. But yes, always exciting things for the future. Yeah, I mean 2026, I guess the end of the year is also that time where um I do an exercise that one of my mentors introduced me to, and it's identifying at the beginning of every year, identify a word for the year. And throughout the whole year, I try to keep that word in mind, uh, consider it in my decision making, understand how it's showing up in different ways throughout my life. And so I'm coming now to the end of this year. And so I will be um checking in on my word for 2025. Okay. And then also needing to establish what my word for 2026 is. And it's been I've done this now for maybe uh two to three years or three to four years, but it's been an extremely powerful exercise for me. And I can see how my life has shifted or really leaned into that intentionality of the word.
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Um, so for example, my word for 2025 was transformations. And I was not, I didn't even want to, I did not want that word because I was like, it looks, it just feels like so much work. I'm already so exhausted. I had just dealt with the death of my father. I wasn't interested in, I was not interested in transforming um in any other way. But the word would not leave my mind and I needed to decide.
SPEAKER_02:So you didn't choose the word. The word chose you, is what you're saying.
SPEAKER_01:I I think that was my experience for 2025, and maybe even in 2024. Okay. Yeah. Because I tried to get rid of it, but it wouldn't go away. All right. Um, and 2025 for me has been transformational in so many different ways, in so many amazing ways. For example, uh, for example, I have taken on new projects and initiatives that I never would have considered had I not gone through certain transformations. Um, and they there's such possibilities coming from those new initiatives and projects. Uh 20, I've also pushed myself outside of my comfort zone. Yes, you have. More so this year than I have in a really long time. If I've ever done it this to this degree, uh, and it's only been beneficial, but it's been hard. But it I mean, it's worked. But people are like, You just, how are you? I'm like, I'm all tired. I'm ready for some rest. Yes, yes. Um, so anyway, transformation 2025 has all been worth it. Um, but that also means I need to start deciding like what um or meditating on what word comes to me, comes to me for 2026.
SPEAKER_02:I really like that particular exercise. So I think that's something that is not only worth sharing, but also really thinking about what your word was, even for year before, and to see if it's still playing out to be meaningful in your life as well. So good for you. I I I like that. Someone told me earlier uh today that um the very first thing that that they do in the morning um after they get up and they they pray and then they do meditation and then they do journaling. And I thought, you know, I didn't journal in the morning. I usually, when I was doing it as a regular practice, I have not been doing it now as a regular practice as much. I used to do it at night. But I thought, you know what? I like that idea.
SPEAKER_01:Excellent for the day.
SPEAKER_02:For the day and doing that in the morning. And so that's a new practice that I think that I'm going to start because I'm fresh in the morning. I am thinking about not only my intention for the day, but also I am grateful for my night's rest. And I'm trying to be, I think, more mindful of the things that I'm engaging in and things that I'm saying yes to. Uh so this will help, I believe.
SPEAKER_01:So what a morning routine. So, what was it? It was meditation. You said something in then journaling.
SPEAKER_02:Well, they pray. Yeah. Oh, prayer. Okay. That's a clear answer. That's the morning. So it is. But you You need to have rituals. You need to have rituals that just really help you to be able to navigate this life that we're living. When you do that, I think you enjoy it more.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. I mean, I'm like, can I okay, rituals? What rituals do I have? What rituals do you have?
SPEAKER_02:Um, well, I I I do pray every morning. Um, and uh I have moments of not only one meditation, but I'll usually now do two. I've adopted a couple of of different ones to just see how that is impacting my ease and contentment with uh this aging process, which we've we've talked about that. So um, and I then shower because um I would not take a bath in the morning because I'm on my way doing something. So if I bathe, it would be at night. So that is a part of what I think is important. I am not always, but trying my best to read something that is significant to me or for me that I want to participate in, um, in in knowing more, some more knowledge. Uh and as you know, I'm trying to embrace technology. And so this is not a one-off kind of thing or a two-off. And what I've learned is that you have to do these things on an ongoing basis. So it's kind of part of my learning process. These are a part of the rituals to help me grow and to help me kind of navigate life.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know that I have any rituals. As good as you were talking, I was like, no, don't do that. No, that nope, not that one either. Like what rituals do I have?
SPEAKER_02:I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I I wouldn't call your exercise routines maybe rituals, but I would call them um something that you do on an ongoing basis with intention, um, that I think makes your life more um meaningful to you and healthy.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, that's true. You'd actually just like end up more, it just makes your life more. That is one thing that exercise has done for me in every way.
SPEAKER_02:And I that's a part of a ritual too. No, so that should add to your life and to the enjoyment.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you for helping me identify a ritual. Like, I don't do that, I don't do that. I want to hmm um at night I hit the bed and I'm pretty much out. Yeah, so rituals at night.
SPEAKER_02:It's because of all the things that you've been doing in the in the daytime. But um, well, I think it's important for us to not only be uh intentional, but also to exercise that gratitude that we talk about so often. And so that is something at night and in the morning that I I really think is is very important. And as you age, some of that wisdom is to be able to say, you know, thank you, God for today, and thank you, God, for yesterday, and thank you, God, for tomorrow. I don't know exactly what's gonna be there, but I think it's important.
SPEAKER_01:You know what I'm grateful for?
SPEAKER_02:What are you grateful for?
SPEAKER_01:The fact that our producer hit record all this time. So it'll have to record.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, yes, yes. So that thank you, thank you, thank you. So as we wind up this particular Pad podcast, so oh my goodness, it's been wonderful. So, well, take care.
SPEAKER_01:And uh, please feel free to like and subscribe. Thank you so much for listening this week, and we'll talk to you again next week. Take care.
SPEAKER_02:Bye.
SPEAKER_00:Two voice it's got it, see on the key to the
